Max

I woke up from a beautiful crisp sunrise morning ready for the perfect day i've been expecting for the past week. Containing my excitement and thrill, as if a soda bottle was about to burst, I popped up like a firework and threw on the most worn clothing I could find. The more worn i thought, was the better. In my long, lean, and torn Levis, with the ends tucked into brown justin leathery boots, I threw on my old trucker camouflage hat, and tightened the velcro strap on my long blonde hair that fell below my shoulders. Feeling as though I was a airplane ready for take off, I rushed in a hurry to grab the long dangling band that held the precious gold and silver metals that would help me feed my excitement.

I bid my mama a fair well, and ran fervently to the blue mechanism that'd take me home. Starting the quiet engine, as if you could hear the hushed sound vibrating through the air, I pressed heavily on the black metal pedal that laid below the round burning wheel. Carefully sliding the blazing stick into reverse, I backed out with an intent to move quickly. As my stomach twisted and turned, a breeze of exhilarating fresh cold air ran through my body. I felt as though I was invincible and light as though I were a leaf drifting through the wind on a light breezy spring afternoon.

Cruising over the smooth pavement, I made twists and turns in a variety of directions. Rolling past the railroad tracks that thundered under my vehicle like a stampede of cattle, I continued on free spirited. As I took a road yonder from the road I left on, I crossed one light that stood dimly in the whole town. On the left I saw a decrepit damaged dusty barber shop that hadn't been opened for years. On the right, was wide open field filled with crops, and thick cattle. I was able to contain my enthusiasm and excitement, until I reached the road that inflamed my spirit and made my heart flutter. Turning left onto the gravel road, rocks exploited underneath my car like firecrackers popping on the fourth of july. 

I drove hastily over the old dirt gravel, exceeding the roads limits. As rocks flew from right to left, I quickly slowed down to a stop, when I reached an old rusty sign that hung on a large picket fence. The sign read, Riding Unlimited. As I turned onto the bumpy uneven dirt road, i drove straight until I reached a small patch of grass. Ahead of me was a thin rusty red iron fence that stretched miles wide. Beyond the fence were fields of warm green grass that grew exceedingly high. I turned off the blue car as the sound of a roaring hush grew silent. Stepping out of the car in my brown leathery Justin boots, I came to a halt, locking in the beautiful blue ocean sky that floated above me. 

Pacing my steps I grew closer and closer to an old barn that stood with broad features, holding in the very animal that would run free if the chance were given. I winded around to the very far side and came to a halt. A beautiful yet so intimidating creature stood with confidence, and impulsively began to stomp. Releasing the midnight colored beast from the very confinement that restricted his movements, i hopped on bare back, letting the intensity rupture through my veins and the thrill burst through my body. One hard kick to the side of the male midnight colored beast, we race with passion leaving the gate wide open. Both hearts racing faster and faster, I recognized the very part of me that was missing, and soon felt at home, which was what I had longed for.

River Tooth

           I laid there in my bed breathing deeply, "in and out, in and out, in and out", i thought to myself. Counting to ten as the breaths that once were shortened lengthened out, into long strides of air seeping through my lips. I tried to forget the arguments and disagreements that were said among my mom and i earlier. All i could fathom was the aching feeling of waking up in 3 more hours for bitter sweet work. Sinking slowly into my soft bed i could feel my muscles relaxing into jello. Sleep, sleep, sleep, i softly whispered to my mind. 

Suddenly I was awakened by an alarming obnoxious sound, vibrating through my ears. I turned slowly to look at my phone that had gone off at 2:30 am. All I could think of was, why am i waking up at 2:30 a.m.? I hit the snooze button, or what looked like the snooze button, and fell back into a deep slumber. It felt as though 3 minutes later, my alarm went off again. I turned to my phone confused to see daylight running through my blinds, and saw the clock said 7:30 a.m. and 4 missed calls. Taking a minute to register, i whipped out of bed realizing i had already missed 4 hours of work-seeing i work from 3 a.m. to 1 p.m. My heart began to race, and my lungs began to tighten. I panicked, right then and there. I rushed around my room, back and forth, not knowing what to do. First thought that came to my mind was anger on why my mother didn't wake me up before she left for work. I burst into tears, and quickly threw on a t-shirt and jeans. Running out the door, I threw myself in my car. Although what would have been the smart thing to do, I drove the opposite direction from work. 

Tears streaming down my face, i felt the sense of my lungs and muscles tightening up. Seeing through my fuzzy eyes, I ran off into a dirt path 15 minutes outside of my town. I stopped the car but still gripped the handle. My breaths began to shorten quickly and i felt my lungs caving in. My mind became fuzzy and all i could see were black and blue dots appearing through my vision. I was alone, and i had no one there to calm me down. I picked up my phone, and tried to call my sister, but the phone rang and rang. I wasn't far off from where she lived, but i wasn't close enough that i could drive over without an accident. I knew the best thing i could do was to stay. I felt my hands beginning to shake and my heart aching. This had never happened to me before. I have never missed a day of work, nor have i had a reaction like this. Thoughts streamed through my mind, but i couldn't make sense of any of them. Three short breaths turned into two then one, and i felt my heart skip a couple beats. Was i having a heart attack, because it sure felt like that. I began to feel light headed, and right before i hit the steering wheel, i saw a blue car pull up and the fuzzy image of a tall, slim, woman with short silver hair run to my side of the car. The faint voice ran through my ears, and the soft touch electrified my skin, as this lady pulled me out of the car. She embraced me, and i felt as though we were really close, as if she was my sister. I whimpered for help, signing i couldn't breathe. She sat me down in her arms and began to speak softly to my ears repeating the words, "breathe deeply sis, in and out, in and out, in and out".

(C)

July 18th, 2011

Natalie Peterson

English 106

11:30 - 12:30

                        My Personal Conversion

         My heart began to race and my hands began to tremble as Bishop Woodland greeted me into his office that cold and wintery Sunday night. Excitement over drew me as he asked how was I was doing with things-since the last time we had talked. I replied, "I'm great! I've been really trying to live the gospel standards, attending church, and reading scriptures with my mom every night". He then said, "Natalie, we should start out with a prayer". As usual, I gave the opening prayer, and then it was silent. My thoughts began to slow down, and doubt overcame me. My bishop then addressed, "Natalie, I want the best for you. And you deserve the best. It breaks my heart to say this, but we need to remember the Lord has a plan for you. We can't allow you to attend the winter term at BYU-Idaho." Tears overcame me. My heart shattered into a million pieces. The first thought that came to mind was, "I thought I was doing so good? What haven't I been doing? I've been doing everything the Prophet has encouraged, my mom, the bishop"…I felt a sudden anger appear, and I stood up immediately. With tears streaming down my face, I asked my Bishop if I could leave. I felt shame and grief as I left the church. My heart ached, and my eyes were swollen. What do I do now?

A couple weeks later, school had started and I had moved from my small town to the big city to live with my dad. I quickly found a job, and settled in, in the cold big empty two story house. The church wasn't strong at all, and the people there weren't dedicated to going. My dad attended the first two meetings alone usually. They had no young woman's, and no young men's. There were very little primary children and a few in nursery. I knew I would feel out of place seeing the relief society ladies were over the age of 40. I had an opportunity to attend the tragic 'young' single adults ward as well, with everyone over the age of 25. I was at loss here in the big city. So angry at the church and my bishop, I was gathered up in hurt feelings and pushed them under the carpet. I didn't go to church for four months. I worked every day Monday to Sunday at a restaurant down on lower Greenville Avenue. The restaurant was surrounded by bars and clubs, not the best part of town. There were drug busts and shootings I'd here about every week. I made friends with the workers there who weren't the best influence. I was rarely home and if i were to come home, it was brief. I threw out excuses here and there, and little white lies on where I was going. I wasn't all that lost when I came home to my mom's to visit in March though. I told her everything I had been doing, which included not going to church, praying, reading my scriptures, or anything else pertaining to the Gospel. But I didn't tell her what exactly I had been doing. She didn't question, but encouraged me to start praying again and reminded me she would always be there if I needed to talk. She invited me to church that Sunday, and I decided I’ll go. It had been 3 months, and I felt queasy accepting. My mom's ward was huge compared to my dad’s. In my mom's ward there were a lot of teenagers, kids, and young couples. I grew up in that ward from the time I was six. The small town was just growing, and safe as ever. This was a family oriented town.

Sunday morning on March 13, I felt faint driving to church with my mom. I hadn't seen my Bishop since that night I walked out nor had I seen anyone from my ward since then. Worry over threw me and I began to tear up. No one knew I hadn't gone to school, which was the plan originally. What would they think when I walked in today? I doubted myself the whole ride to the church. I began thinking of an escape route I could take to get away. In the middle of my thoughts my mom ran her hand over mine and squeezed it tightly. She spoke saying, "Hun, I’m so happy you're coming to church with me today", then smiled. We parked the car, and I exhaled deeply. It took a moment for my thoughts to conform together and push myself to get out of the car. We walked arm in arm up to the old salmon colored brick church. As a tall man in a black suit and tie held the door open for my mom and I, butterflies fluttered through my stomach, and my feelings lurched inside. This is it, I thought to myself. The first man to greet me in the chapel was a short, slim, man with a receding hairline, and strong wrinkles of concern across his forehead. This was Bishop Woodland. He walked up slowly and with a sincere smile he welcomed me back to church, mentioning they have missed me. I'm not sure who he was talking about but I also don't believe anyone could have missed me. I felt stares from left to right, but I tried to raise my head high. Bracing myself for the many church members that had puzzled looks on their faces, I knew questions would fly at me. "Are you back in town?", "How is BYU-Idaho?", "How long are you staying?” But thankfully the piano began playing sweet hymns throughout the Chapel, and people drifted to their seats. As for my mom and I, I asked her if we could sit in the back. I felt as though, nothing previous had happened and this was all a dream…

One meeting after the next, I got the questions I knew I’d be asked. I simply replied, "I wanted to stay back, and work a little more before going up to school." And then I would be embraced by each member afterward with a warm welcoming hug. I felt as though I was glass, and they could see right through me. But I tried to remind myself, I wasn't glass, I had nothing to tell people if they asked any more personal questions, and I didn't owe anyone any explanation. After church, Bishop Woodland caught me as I was walking out of the church, and asked if we could talk. Here we go, I thought to myself. Walking uncomfortably into the cold memory of that wintery night, I sat down in the office. This time, Bishop addressed the prayer. After the prayer a familiar silence grew throughout the room. "Great", I thought to myself, "…here we go again…”. Bitter feelings entered my heart, and I began to shut down. Staring at the blue and purple speckled carpet I sat there in silence feeling the pressure of his eyes watching me. But when I looked up, just to glance in curiosity, I felt a small tingle run through my spine as he was looking at me with a sweet smile. He began telling me how hard it was that night to tell me I couldn't attend a college I wanted to. He mentioned that attending BYU-I would bring many blessings to me, and would be the best thing for me to do at this point. We talked a little bit more, and I expressed my anger towards myself and him. A warm sensation overthrew the room and I felt as though Heavenly Fathers arms were around me, encouraging me to forgive my bishop and myself. 

I attended all meetings since then, even the church meetings in Dallas with my dad. It wasn't easy and back in my mind I continued to think I could be doing something more fun. However, I still continued working on Sunday and hanging out with my co-workers every so often. I cracked open my dusty scriptures a couple nights a week, and tried to be more upfront with my dad- in telling him where I was going and what time I’d be home. Little by little I let the bad habits go. My heart was changing slowly, but I would still hit rough patches along the way. The relationship between my mom and I grew tremendously as I visited every weekend and met with the bishop. In those weeks my mom became my eternal best friend. I came to trust to her, and felt I could tell her anything I was going through. I began the application process again, and felt humbled to know that the Lord had some sort of plan for me. 

I sat down one evening in the end of March with my mom. I had received the crescent cream colored letter that would tell me where I was going or if I was even accepted. I tore open the envelope and slowly opened the fine letter. Feeling as though I had hit a brick wall head on, tears filled my eyes. My mom embraced me as I began crying. The letter read…."Dear Natalie, Congratulations! We are pleased to offer you admission to Brigham Young University-Idaho. Rich blessings and life-changing opportunities await you here." Next there was a huge sigh of relief. My first instinct was to call Bishop Woodland and tell him the wonderful news. The next few weeks were tough, leaving all the new friends I had made and my job at the restaurant. I didn't want to leave at times, and wished I was accepted in the fall. However, in the back of my mind I knew that i needed to be leaving this dark city, and be surrounded by good people who live the standards of the Gospel.

April 13 came just around the corner, and my mom and I exchanged our last goodbyes at my empty, cold, dark dorm room. The walls were white as snow and the couches were tan like sand. It didn't feel like home at all. I was alone for the first two nights, and hastily settled in ready for my roommate to show. With the eagerness and cautiousness, I made sure my things could easily move in case I didn't like her and should move to another room. Suddenly there was a knock on the door, and a short brown haired girl walked in. Her name was Ashley. I tried to mind my own business, but be brief and sweet at the same time. "She doesn't seem too bad, I think I can deal.." I told myself. That night when her parents left, I invited her to Walmart with me. Since then we have been the best of friends. Ashley's strong in the church, someone that I knew I needed to be around, but we can also have fun. She reminds me constantly on becoming closer to the Lord with prayer and scripture study. We both have taught each other different things along the journey being up here. My parents and I both agree I got lucky having Ashley as a roommate.  Also agreeing it's not only luck, this is when I needed to be at this time, and my trials I experienced when I was home only made me stronger. In those months I've come closer to finding out who I want to be, and where my standards lie. Sometimes you need to go through things like that to understand your true purpose, and be grateful for the Atonement and forgiveness. (C)